It's a different kind of post from me today. I've had big things on my mind and couldn't bring myself to write the latest review to post and actually give it the write-up it deserves.
Today is the 3rd anniversary of my mother's death.
On the 1st anniversary my Dad was still alive but not doing very well and ended up in the hospital during this week. It kept me from focusing on Mom being gone.
For the 2nd year, Dad was still sick and getting much worse. Taking care of him, making sure he was taking his medicine, dealing with his loneliness and depression, keeping his old house from falling apart - they all kept me focused on him. I had to be strong for him. Couldn't let him see my emotions because I had to be strong so he could be the one to cry, the one to be sad and depressed.
I felt like in order to be there for him - to support him - I didn't have the right to lose it. To just let go and feel it all - all the emotions that for 2 years had been bottled up.
I was being strong.
As I said, this year is the 3rd anniversary and the first since my dad passed away last year.
This year it's different.
This year I'm feeling every bit of the emotion I didn't get to feel before.
A part of me is relieved - I was scared because who loses their Mom and then doesn't grieve? Did I not love her - am I some sort of heartless woman who only thought she loved her Mother more than anything? Shouldn't I be crying?
So much guilt. Honestly, there has been so much guilt. Trying to be there for dad, but feeling like not focusing on Mom and remembering her made me feel so guilty. Would she have understood? Is she somewhere sad that I wasn't crying or depressed those 1st 2 years? Did she get it - that Dad needed me?
I've asked myself those questions a million times. And tons of other questions too. Questions like: Did she know how much I loved her? How proud I was that she was my mom? How much I appreciated her friendship - not just for being my Mom?
So many questions.
Today, I mark the 3rd anniversary and I'm so happy to say I'm crying. I'm staring at one of my favorite pictures of the two of us. I'm sitting at work remembering her laugh, the jokes she used to tell. The secrets we shared.
Most of all today, I'm celebrating the things about me that I think are just like my Mom. On any given day I can say something or tell a silly joke, or laugh a certain way and it catches me by surprise. Wow - I sound just like Mom. Or, Mom would have loved this. I'M SO PROUD TO BE JUST LIKE MY MOM IN SO MANY WAYS.
I miss you Mom.
Please - I ask all of you to spend time with your Mom telling her how much she means to you today. If she is no longer with us, I'm so sorry but please never forget the special things that made her your special Mom.